Ashley Judd (uuz) wrote,
Ashley Judd

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A Magnificent Scientific Discovery!

America is not particularly famous for its cutting-edge ability to obliterate obstacles obstructing the path into the beautiful darkness of the scientific unknown, but today--TODAY, WE HAVE SUCCEEDED IN PUSHING FORWARD AND PERSEVERING! We have discovered a new scientific concept! The French and English had previously monopolized this field of investigation, but now America is the undisputed number one. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: visual pollution.

Beautiful minds at work here, people! I first heard this magnificent news on channel 7 tonight, in relation to the cruel attempts made my power companies and farmers to provide a more environmentally friendly way to give energy to our delicate country. What the hell are those jackasses thinking? Instead of feeding their dairy cows and drinking rum and propane cocktails, they're using their land to put up wind turbines! The nerve... What has gone wrong with this country? These backwards hicks are so selfish in their attempt to aid in the prevention of global warming that they're ruining the midwest's beautiful, natural, rural skyline. Yes, I know. It's VISUAL POLLUTION. It's cold, it's hard, it's oddly phallic, and it, unfortunately, is the truth

Okay, really. My question is...WHO THE FUCK IS COMPLAINING ABOUT "VISUAL POLLUTION?" IT'S FUCKING FARMLAND. WHO THE HELL IS OUT THERE STARING INTENSELY INTO FIELDS FOR SO MUCH OF THEIR TIME THAT THIS CLEAN, EFFICIENT METHOD OF PRODUCING ENERGY HAS SUDDENLY BECOME A GRAVE INJUSTICE AND INCONVENIENCE TO THE COMMON FOLK? Go fuck a cow! People, this is the analogical equivalent to somebody complaining that the CURE FOR CANCER gives them occasional hiccups. Get. A. Life. Of course, these dumbasses are probably the flower children who complained that we needed to embrace nature and save the environment..."because." Burning oil is like drinking satan's ejaculate! Nuclear power turns us into ugly Russians who hide out in the dessert and rape tourists! Now that we're making advances in "more healthy" and "less scary" ways of producing energy, what do these morons complain about? "It doesn't look pretty enough...!" What, do you want us to paint the turbines a pretty, pretty pink and spray them with glittery Febreeze? "Visual pollution."

JOAN RIVERS is visual pollution. BOY GEORGE is visual pollution. TARA REID is visual pollution. JENNIFER GARNER's...existence miraculously compensates for most of the evils in the world. But honestly: what are these idiots going to complain about next? Tactile pollution? "Oh, this St. Augustine grass offends the soft meadows of my delicate feet... Let's carpet the world."

If anybody takes this nonsense seriously... Oh-ho. I just might have to move to Canada with my good friend John.

In other frightening news: Landis got kicked out of Phonak. Why? Testosterone. He failed both tests, and it was discovered that his urine sample contained SYNTHETIC testosterone that must have been ingested. However...this is my reasoning: Landis passed the drug tests on every other day of the Tour--on every other day of his LIFE. How the HELL is the body going to metabolize, process, and flush out ELEVEN TIMES MORE TESTOSTERONE THAN WHAT IS NORMAL, ALL IN ONE DAY? Answer: IT ISN'T. I smell framing. Mmm, delicious. All of this, especially considering that the test was taken near the end of the Tour, when Landis had OLD, TIRED, INEFFICIENT BLOOD. It sounds like the Europeans are making another attempt to sabotage the success of an American. They might be contaminating the samples. Armstrong made it out. Will Landis? I'd like to believe that he's innocent. I'm sure that he is. He'd better see this battle through.

In other news: I got a call from Sejeck's wife, congratulating me on the 5 that I got on my AP exam. Oh, li'l ol' me? A five? Bitch, I know my History. The proof is in the pudding. Unfortunately, she told me that Sejeck is no more...he was hired elsewhere... I'm just thinking, "Who the hell is paying you MORE than my school?" Whatever. It's been nice. Thanks, Sejeck. I really don't give a shit about History; if it weren't for you and my obsession with maintaining a 4.0 GPA, I would never have gotten the highest score. Peace <3
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