Ashley Judd (uuz) wrote,
Ashley Judd
uuz

Floyd Landis has nothing in common with John Kerry

At last year's Tour, the Mennonite, mustachioed professional cyclist Floyd Landis told spectator Senator John Kerry that, "We have something in common. We both got our butts beat by a Texan." The Texans he refers to are obviously two of my favorite people, George W. Bush and Lance Armstrong... In other words:

That bitch is winning the Tour, upholding America's now-8-year grip ON the event, leaving the smelly French to wonder:

"WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THESE CRIPPLED YANKEES KICKING OUR ASSES ALL THE TIME?"

The answer lays in Freedom fries, tax cuts, and the Republican Way, my friends... Landis continues the Tradition of Extraordinary Comebacks by (hopefully) winning the tour despite his severely injured and pained hip, which has been brilliantly described by officials as being "A chunk of damp, decaying wood." As soon as he takes the yellow jersey of Truth, he will be promptly returning to America for hip-replacement surgery, fixing the injury caused by an accident three years ago. Landis, you're All Right with me.

LANDIS: APPROVED.

In other news:

Der Kaiser fired from T-Moblie by fax! Ouch, that's got to smart... Jan Ullrich, after dedicating his life to T-Mobile from 1995 to...oh, yesterday, has been "let go" for failing to prove that he was not involved in the Spanish doping ring scandal. Blood Dopers, try fracturing your hip next time.

Jan did not take this news well and, rightfully, expects more from T-Mobile for...never quite getting them a Tour victory for so many years! I quote, "Ach dein du hast, adsvierdeshen, fuckenhagen Armstrong saeurkraut!"

No official news yet on Ivan Basso's status with Team CSC, though, frankly, I couldn't give any less of a shit. The steely-eyed Zabrieski has stolen my heart.

To close, I must confess that the women of TV are all nasty, nasty sluts (especially on ABCfamily) with the exception of Wal-Mart employee, Jennifer Garner, another Texan who I am glad has personally kicked MY ass and has proved that she is even more adorable now than previously thought possible.

Meaning: I HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH JOHN KERRY.

JOHN KERRY: APPROVED.
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