Ashley Judd (uuz) wrote,
Ashley Judd
uuz

The funniest thing I've seen all week...

I never want to forget this. I'm going to show it to my grandkids.

These kids GOT IT GOIN' ON.



> These are the real deal originating from actual school essays.
> The analogies and
> metaphors are wince inducing. Beware but enjoy.

>
> 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
> its two sides
> gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
>
> 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
> breaking alliances like
> underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
>
> 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
> experience, like a guy
> who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
> without one of those
> boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
> country speaking at
> high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
> eclipse without one
> of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
>
> 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and
> he was
> room-temperature Canadian Ham.
>
> 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
> sound a dog makes
> just before it throws up.
>
> 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
>
> 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
>
> 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
> disintegrated because
> of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
> surcharge at a
> formerly surcharge-free ATM.
>
> 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond
> exactly the way a
> bowling ball wouldn't.
>
> 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like
> a Hefty bag filled
> with vegetable soup.
>
> 11 From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
> scene had an eerie,
> surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
> another city and Jeopardy
> comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
>
> 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
> after a sneeze.
>
> 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
> maggots when you
> fry them in hot grease.
>
> 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
> lovers raced across the
> grassy field toward each other like two freight
> trains, one having left
> Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
> from Topeka at 4:19
> p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
>
> 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
> picket fences that
> resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
>
> 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
> hummingbirds who had
> also never met.
>
> 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant
> and she was the
> East River.
>
> 18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like
> a steel trap, only
> one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
> shut.
>
> 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
>
> 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
> But unlike Phil,
> this plan just might work.
>
> 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
> get from not eating
> for a while.
>
> 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
> lame duck, either, but
> a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from
> stepping on a land mine or
> something.
>
> 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and
> extended one slender leg
> behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
>
> 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing
> kids around with
> power tools.
>
> 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought
> he heard bells, as
> if she were a garbage truck backing up.
>
> 26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had
> forgotten to put in any
> pH cleanser.
>
> 27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
> missing legs.
>
> 28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
> accidentally staple it to
> the wall.



>
> 7th Grade LA/SS at Kennedy
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